The second set of first-round matches is in the books.
The Lords cleaned up, the Tartans eeked out a win over the Bobcats, and the Tigers got tamed. The Thoroughbreds had a tougher time taming their tigers, as the Polar Bears issued a awe-inspiring display of mascot superiority. With the Lords set up to take on the mean Scotty Dog with the Scar-esque goatee, we look to the Williams region. Even without the Lords, five purple-robed teams ended up in one region, and it’s only appropriate for the DIII Mascot Challenge that at least one will make it to the final four. Here are the match ups:
1. Williams Purple Cows vs. 8. Wisconsin-Whitewater Warhawks
To be completely honest, the UW-W Warhawk is an awesome freaking mascot. It’s kinda like the Polar Bears. They took something that could have been cliche (Hawks) and made it awesome by adding the letters (war). Then, they made it even better by going, “you know what? I don’t care if no hawk has even been a color that’s even remotely close to purple, and that everyone in the state of Wisconsin hates that color because of the F***ing Vikings, we’re gonna wear purple anyways.” Against almost anyone else, they would be heavy favorites.
Unfortunately for the Hawks, they’re not going up against just anyone else. They’re going up against arguably the most unique mascot of all time. If UW-W got originality points for making their hawk purple, Williams gets twice as many for making a cow purple, adding yellow spots and horns, and just throwing “purple” right there in their mascot’s name. You can make just about any mascot that isn’t already a color better by adding “purple.” Hopkins Purple Bluejays doesn’t work, but imagine: CMS Purple Stags. Bowdoin Purple Polar Bears. Whittier Purple Poets. Wash U Purple Bears. Basically, I’m pretty sure Williams is safely through to the next round. If anything is going to stop them from winning the championship, it’s this sh**.
4. NCW Battling Bishops vs. 5. Washington and Lee Generals
When two anthropods play each other, it’s “generally” kind of boring. We see people fighting all the time. It’s not that exciting to see people wearing funning costumes fight. That being said, I will definitely be picking the Bishops here. If a General and a Bishop were to actually fight, the General would just whip out a bayonet and spear the poor holy man, but then he would be martyred, and the General would eventually be killed by the religious following. It’s a lose-lose.
With that out of the way, I’m going with the Bishops because of unique-osity. “Bishops don’t battle! What are they doing in North Carolina! Man, those Bishops are quirky and crazy, aren’t they? Haha… ha… ha” They also have a sweet, Zoro-lookin’ logo going for them. I don’t know if Bishops generally wear cowboy hats and capes, and I’m pretty sure they don’t ride around on horses, but I know that they are really good at attacking diagonally. The Washington and Lee Generals are probably the most appropriate mascot in DIII, but that’s not going to help them here. They don’t even have a General logo (if it doesn’t come up on the first page of a Google images search, it doesn’t exist). All they have is this weird, pitch-forky thing. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have that logo on a hat or as a chest-patch on a jersey, but you need a logo to be successful in this business. Sorry Generals.
3. Cal Lutheran Kingsmen vs. Trinity (CT) Bantams
Wow, what an interesting matchup. Despite being anthropods, I actually really like Cal Lu’s mascot. It’s kinda like the whole “Warhawks” phenomenon. What Cal Lu really is is the Knights, but by calling themselves the Kingsmen, they add a cubic parsec of unique-osity. Then, they throw in some classic purple and yellow and a solid logo, and they’ve got themselves a very respectable mascot. If you’re asking yourself, “Why is there a crown over the ‘G’?” it’s because they have a different mascot for their women’s teams, and they wanted some continuity. I also find it hilarious that they made the women’s teams the Regals in order to be PC, but then made their logo exactly the same as the Kingsmen logo except with longer, wavier hair.
Then, you’ve got the Bantams. From Wikipedia,”a bantam is a small (or miniaturized) variety of poultry.” It may also refer to bantamweight in boxing. Put the two definitions together, and you’ve got a boxing, mini-chicken. On the surface, the bantams are one of the classic, unique DIII mascots. They also get extra points for yelling “Go Cocks” on the court because I’m secretly a twelve year-old with a MacBook. (If Trinity fans read this, I think you guys should ditch “Go Bants” completely in favor of “Go Cocks.” It just rolls off the tongue better). Despite all the positives, I feel that they could have done better with their logo, and the blue-and-yellow color scheme that works so well for Cruz looks a little tired on a feathered back of a mini-chicken. What this match up boils down to is mascot vs. logo+colors, and since it’s a mascot bracket, I’m going with Trinity here. Go Cocks!
2. Amherst Lord Jeffs vs. 7. Whittier Poets
What we have here is a battle of unique, lameness. I think what we can learn from this is that purple can only go so far to remedy a lame mascot. “The Lord Jeffs” is such a lame mascot, that they didn’t even try to draw a picture of it. All they have to put on unis is this, which can only be described as a large, Times New Roman, purple “A.” I generally vote against logos that I could create in five seconds on Microsoft Word. They have also been known to try out their seal, which is equally lame.
The Poets are qualitatively the same as the Jeffs (a lame, purple, person), but they have more intangibles. Let’s be real, saying “Go Poets” in the middle of an intense three-setter is ironically funny, so they have that going for them. They also have a far superior logo. There’s this, which is better than Amherst’s only because they at least have a visual rendition of what their mascot could look like (and that’s about as fierce as a poet could be, though I don’t understand why both Whittier and NCW think a crazy hat and a cape can help a non-intimidating mascot look intimidating). They also have this, which is amazing. I don’t think I need to explain myself. The giant pen is mightier than the sword!!!! Enjoy your national championship, Amherst, because you’re out of here in round 1.