DIII Mascot Challenge: Kenyon Region

It’s official, the Jumbos, Spartans, Hens, and Golden Gusties are on to round two. The Spartans prevailed with on a buzzer-beater, squandering a huge lead in the beginning before eventually pulling out the victory in classic underdog style. Both the #1 and #2 seeds were defeated, exhibiting the exhilarating parity in a one-and-done tournament like this one.

Here’s the updated bracket

With the first four battles in the books, we turn our attention to the Kenyon region, where the Lords will look to take the sting off their national championship defeat and boost morale before the season starts. Let’s get to it…

#1 Kenyon Lords vs. #8 Chicago Maroons/Phoenixes

Honestly, I don’t really like the Lords mascot. It’s unique, and I like the purple, but “Lords” just reeks of aristocracy, and they aren’t even the Knights or some shit that actually goes out and slays dragons. They’re just Lords. If they come across a vicious bear in the wilderness, they can’t just write it a check and ask it to play dead. That being said, the Maroons have to be the worst mascot in DIII (warning: it’s really lame). What’s that Chicago? Your mascot’s really a color and you decided to pretend that it’s a phoenix? Real original. When I think of Chicago’s mascot, I just think of a Ron Weasley’s turtleneck sweater. What’s it going to do, ugly me to death? Make me look so socially inept that I die of loneliness? Be a little too tight around the neck until it kills me out of sheer annoyance? How ’bout no! Lords on to round 2.

#4 Bates Bobcats vs. #5 Carnegie Mellon Tartans

The Bates Bobcat is badass. I think I’ve made myself clear on how I feel about the color Maroon, but their logo is reminiscent of both Kansas State’s and Washington State’s, both of which I’ve always been a fan of. The bobcat is also a pretty unique mascot, and even more likable because they could feasibly live in Lewiston, ME. If anything’s going to hold them back, it’s the maroon, but they do have an awesome statue. I hope the players go an rub its nose before every home match.

Here are the first couple sentences of the Wikipedia article on tartan: “Tartan is a pattern consisting of criss-crossed horizontal and vertical bands in multiple colours. Tartans originated in woven wool, but now they are made in many other materials. Tartan is particularly associated with Scotland.” And since tartan is associated with Scotland, their official mascot it Scotty the Scottie Dog. Everything about that sounds lame. How’s a tiny little dog in a kilt going to inflict any sort of damage on anything. In the face of common sense, I find myself really liking the Carnegie mascot. It’s fierce-looking, and their team has always had awesome unis. I think this match-up is basically a dead heat, but I’m gonna go with the Bobcats. I know their fans are on here daily, and a Bobcat would destroy a Scottie dog in a fight.

#3 Trinity (TX) vs. #6 Skidmore Thoroughbreds

Trinity. Ugh. More maroon, and incredibly cliche mascot (there’s another Tiger in this quarter). A Tiger could never live in Texas, unless we’re talking about a zoo. I guess they get points for alliteration. Here’s their official logo. Yawn. I really have nothing good to say about this mascot, so I’m just gonna stop.

Skidmore, on the other hand, has something going for them. The Thoroughbred is unique, sleek, muscular, and fast. Their logo is also incredibly versatile (that was a joke, but it is very cool). Obviously, a tiger could take down ten horses alone, but I don’t really care about that. The tiger is lame. The two things I think will prevent Skidmore from winning this championship is the yellow-and-green color scheme, and the fact that horses are a biomechanical anomaly. If they take a bad step, they break their leg and die because their skeleton cannot withstand their own weight. Just saying. We’ll see what happens for them in round 2.

#2 Bowdoin Polar Bears vs. #7 Depauw Tigers

Speaking of Tigers. Lame, lame, less lame. Black and yellow is a better color scheme, but these guys are going down. I’m sorry their student body can do nothing to replace their incredibly cliche mascot that has nothing to do with Indiana, unless you’re a Bengals fan, in which case, I’m sorry.

Unfortunately for Depauw, they are going up against one of the coolest mascots in all of sports. I f***ing love polar bears. Any time I’ve ever been to the zoo, I invariably spend about an hour and a half just watching them sunbathe, and if they actually go swim around, that’s a bonus. Normally, I would say black and white sucks, but they make it work for them. The Polar Bear is unique, appropriate for Bowdoin, and could probably take down just about any other mascot in a fight, especially if you put some armor on them. The only thing that could possibly take down the Polar Bears is global warming. Global warming is not Depauw’s mascot.